My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
