I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
