I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
