you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Randomize
