my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize