How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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