You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
