I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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