You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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