the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
