I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
