So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
