He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
