Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
