His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
