My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Your penis caused this!
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