I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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