I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
