She said her name was "party"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
