"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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