I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
