she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize