I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
