I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Houston, we have a squirter
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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