Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
