Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Vodka?
Forever.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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