If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
