if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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