Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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