just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I forget how to act sober
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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