Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
