omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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