Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
