I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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