my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
