New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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