grandma shit on top of the toilet
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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