im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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