I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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