We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
