I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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