Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
