i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
