nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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