i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
