gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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