The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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