What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
