either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
