It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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