i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
