Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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