Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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