She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
