I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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