Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
