So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
