If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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